Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody
By Joe Canzano
Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody
By Joe Canzano
Genre: Science Fiction
When outlaw Suzy Spitfire discovers her father was murdered after creating a super-duper artificial intelligence, she races across the solar system in search of the brain he built—but it’s a rough ride, and she’s soon forced to tangle with pirates, predators, and her father’s killer—as well as a man she thinks she can love.
Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody is a smash-bang sci-fi adventure filled with action, intrigue, and a dose of dark humor.
Is the Science in Sci-fi really that Important?
I notice a definite divide between people who read and write “hard sci-fi” and those who don’t. The hard sci-fi crowd likes a certain amount of scientific accuracy—and yeah, I agree a certain line should be drawn. But I also think it’s stupid to be a snob about it, and here are two reasons why:
1. The science in hard sci-fi is often sheer speculation (which is a nice way of saying complete bullshit).
2. Stories are about characters, not the number of protons in a hyperspace waffle maker.
All fiction is about people, as in why they do the things they do (and often how they live with themselves later). The science fiction setting provides a certain feel and flavor, but in the end, when the hero kills the villain, it makes no difference whether she vaporizes him with a phaser or hits him over the head with a brick. I suppose the brick will make a bigger mess.
Captain Kirk encountered a variety of aliens, and they almost always spoke English. They didn’t even have accents. But so what? The stories were about how the crew of the Enterprise dealt with problems—like tribbles and treaties and female uniforms that were cut just below the crotch. The technology was a minor issue, unless it was the focal point of some commentary about its place in the universe.
The situations where I have a problem with ludicrous technology is when it’s central to the plot. In the movie Independence Day, Will Smith’s character hacks into an alien computer with his MacBook laptop and saves the world. Really? Anyone who has ever tried to hook two computers together right here on earth—even two computers using the exact same software--can tell you there will usually be a problem, and then a bunch of people cursing and saying, “Why the hell isn’t this working?” In the movie, Smith not only hacks into the computer system of an alien race—but he’s able to specifically disable the enemy ship’s deflector shields.
I don’t think so. They could have used more science in that story, or maybe just some common sense.
It was a peaceful evening in a peaceful part of town. Not really Suzy Spitfire’s style, but what the hell. She wasn’t going to let a beautiful sense of calm ruin her night.
She walked with cat-like steps across the beach as a salty breeze rifled through her coppery-crimson hair. With a sharp glance, she eyed the flashing lights of a hover-ship out at sea. Finally, she slipped through a plastic door and entered the shadowy interior of a local pub called El Pájaro Feliz.
Suzy narrowed her eyes and studied the glowing mix of wood and glass and hanging paper lanterns. Bouncy music and bubbly conversations flooded her ears as she did a quick scan of the room—okay, not bad. No need to be concerned right now, not in this seaside party shack with a moonlit view of the surf and the sea. But she kept her Series 7 pulse pistol close, strapped to her thigh under her black leather skirt, because people and places can go bad at any time. It was something she’d learned the hard way. It was something that still kept her up at night.
Too many people in here, she thought. Why couldn’t this meeting happen in a place with fewer tourists? Aiko had wanted it to be somewhere public. Well, he’d always liked the public more than she had. But he was also a stand-up guy who she hadn’t seen for over two years—not since he’d gone to Tokyo and she’d become a murderer.
As her boots glided across the floor, she vaguely wondered if this was a setup. She recalled her father’s words: “It’s all about the math, Suzy.” But Dad had said a lot of stuff. Empty talk.
It didn’t feel like a setup. Hey, maybe after a few drinks Aiko could help her come up with that pile of cash she needed.
She rolled her eyes as a holographically-enhanced robot bartender appeared in front of her. The thing was “graphed up” to be a tall guy with red hair, dressed in black. She knew a hidden scanner had analyzed her appearance and then displayed the face of someone calculated to be appealing to her—but just because she’d inherited her mom’s light skin and reddish hair didn’t mean her bartender had to resemble a giant leprechaun. She really preferred someone like the guy sitting eight or nine seats down.
He was fairly well built, with curly dark hair and eyes like gooey black puddles. Probably from the United Mexican Union, or the southern country of Rio da Vida. Forget about it, she thought. There were bigger things to worry about. At the very least, her fantasy had to be quick.
She noticed the sexy guy had his own phony bartender—a tall blonde squeezed into a short red skirt with breasts like a couple of fresh torpedoes. So that was his type, huh? Bold and trashy. What a coincidence. There’s a woman who looks like that right over here—except she’s shorter, with no torpedoes, and a body that’s completely organic. Suzy watched without watching too much as the sexy guy smiled and said a few words to his slutty drink-serving projection. Then she realized someone was talking to her. It was the phony bartender in front of her.
“Can I do something for you?” he said.
“Sure. You can steal me a new spaceship. But if that’s not part of the plan, how about a Jack and Coke?”
The bartender smiled. Suzy knew they were programmed to do it constantly, and that was the problem with these modern bars in a trendy metropolis like Diego Tijuana. They were filled with holograms and empty smiles.
He put a drink in front of her. “From the man over there,” he said, motioning with his hand.
So the sexy guy had bought her a drink. That was good, maybe. And now he was smiling at her in a way no piece of programming ever could. Fine, there was no harm in smiling back. Lots of great times start on the heels of one stupid second.
He strutted over to her and grinned. “Hi there. My name’s Ricardo. It’s good to meet you.”
Joe Canzano is a writer and musician who lives in New Jersey, U.S.A. He is the author of two absurd comic fantasy novels, “Magno Girl,” and “Sex Hell.” His third novel, Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody, is a departure from the world of wacky satire. Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody is a sci-fi adventure filled with action and a dose of dark humor. For more information about Joe, please visit www.happyjoe.net.